


Tantalizing Feeling that Soaks from the Tip of my Toes

by starryeyedcheol



Category: MCND (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Closeted Character, Come Swallowing, Depression, Feelings, Fluff, Insecurity, Kind of vanilla, M/M, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Secret Crush, Seongjun is whipped, Smut, Unsafe Sex, bc they don't know what they're doing, previous suicidal thoughts, seungmin has tics you know this, sex typical pillow talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:29:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29548644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryeyedcheol/pseuds/starryeyedcheol
Summary: He wants the calm of the beach winds. The moment when the world has nothing to say, but everything to give. The monsters won't swallow him up if there's something to go back to.
Relationships: Nam Seungmin | BIC/Son Seongjun | Castle J
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	Tantalizing Feeling that Soaks from the Tip of my Toes

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to finish this since I'm stuck in quarantine in korea (also go ahead and find the amazingly placed pun in the story)
> 
> Title is from Swimming Fool by Seventeen

Some wait. They let the waves of the ocean wash over them, let the salt engulf them and burn their eyes. Lost in the night sky and the stars surrounding them. Some don't make it. The dark void of the water takes them as an offering, peace for their soul. Seungmin hates the idea of being swallowed up. 

Flowers bloom on the vines wrapped under each brick in the path. It's warm, too much so under a long sleeve shirt, but he'll keep his arms hidden. He has no reason why. The sun smiles its bright toothy grin down on grey sidewalk, on the pink flowers showing their delicate petals. Seungmin misses fall. He misses the cool wind and the warm drinks, curling up in his bed and doing nothing.

They destroyed him. Not in any way that they weren't obligated to do, not in the sense he couldn't handle. He wanted to be destroyed so he might go to sleep one night under a clouded sky with no twitch in his arm, his eyes. The rubbing on his back helps. Three in the morning when he's thrown up all over himself from anxiety and Seongjun is there. He's been there, always will be there. No stopping his unconditional care. Seungmin asked to be destroyed. 

And they ran a hurricane through him. A spasm, his mother called it. That's all it was. No problem but the blinks in his eyes and the moving more; the moving constantly. Dancing helped when the tea or the baths or the every other thing that made Seungmin rip his hair out wouldn't. The curls that Seongjun loves to bury his face in. 'Smell good Minnie,' he rubs his nose sleepily into Seungmin's head at the crack of dawn. 

Desperation made him a good dancer. It's all it did, too. He's good at least when he's barely making it to the bathroom on both legs. He had to crawl once, just once. The bags under his eyes should hurt. Should let him know just how bad it is that he hasn't slept well in days. Seongjun hates him for it. Hates the strength facade he clearly doesn't actually have. I can do it on my own. 

When he was younger, Seungmin felt like the ocean would have him. It started, and consequently ended, with something typical. A drunk best friend's mom with that older brother who made his chest buzz. Kissing his pillow felt like nothing compared to how his stomach twisted around itself. Seungmin doesn't remember his name, just the smell of his cologne and the softness of his hand dragging down Seungmin's cheek. The agency would string him up by his toes if he told them. Anyone would. If he was gay, which is not the biggest shocker.

Smelling dark greens and blues, tasting the morning dew on the grass under his tongue. He rolled around in bed with dreams in his brain, the arms of a god embracing him. His life falling asunder, distracted by obstacles. Fulgent light brims the windowsill to awaken him with a strong kiss. He's been dreaming for years, lost in his own thoughts and how others might deal with his disadvantage. 

'You'll never make it' was written on the stall of a public bathroom. He listened to his mom when she voiced her perturbation of the audition. He wouldn't get in, not as he was. She became ill of it. Not a word was to be mentioned until he had been proven wrong. They told him they sensed a talent in him that was only showcased in their more experienced groups. All technical, but when did he start believing them. When Seongjun hit him on the shoulder and yelled at him. There was no doubt he could at least try to lessen them. 

He longed once to swim far enough that the plumbless depth would open up beneath his toes. That a shark might rend him or some prehistoric monster might drag him below. Just to watch the water swirl with what remained of him. His arms floating out above his head, hair waving dramatically. Practicing his movements hurt when the tics slapped his hands against his thighs, but he tried. It wasn't a problem as long as he didn't let it become one. 

"You look really bad, Minnie. I'm gonna set you down and start up a shower." 

Warmth envelopes his limbs and Seongjun pulling up that blue shirt over a god's body, a dream of a body, will end him. He slides his fingers through the curls on Seungmin's head with shampoo then conditioner, Minnie, because you need to wash your hair. Envy crashes over Seungmin because that girl will be so lucky to stand there and listen to him tell her she needs to wash her hair, make sure to clean her feet well. Don't make the water too hot or your skin will dry out. Seongjun smiles at him, so full of kindness that every leader needs. He's just a leader.  
"I want to make sure this doesn't happen again, but I know you'll just work yourself to death next week too." 

There is no disappointment to his voice, not a shred of doubt that Seungmin will do exactly what the company wants. He's going to end up twenty six and ruined by the pressure, knees bent out of shape like the older groups. They work so tirelessly to get big. Days pass by with another comeback and Seungmin wants to be BIC who makes everyone smile as brighly as he does. He wants to be happy. The only thing keeping him up is the arms of that dream he saw when he was a trainee. Seongjun holds him steady, prepared to lift him up and put him back together. Seungmin wishes he would tear him apart. 

Facing his fear of rejection would be easier if his body could control itself. The endless mornings he's changed underwear and shamed himself while in the shower don't help. He thinks back to the black depths of the sea and the wind blowing on his cheeks. His mother calling out to him to please swim back, try your best I know you can please you'll die out there. Thinking back on it again, this situation seems so much scarier than those creatures waiting to swallow him up. 

People always told him mistakes are meant to be made, that there will almost always be forgiveness for them. It's finally cold again. The weather is perfect for drinking hot chocolate and watching the same movies on netflix hundreds of times. Seongjun brings in a bowl of popcorn and his own soft blue cardigan to wrap around Seungmin's arms. The blankets have gone missing, probably all on Junhyuk's bed. The moon is high and shining bright enough that Seungmin can see his own soul floating above himself. 

Just in time to watch as he makes the most hurtful and relieving mistake of his entire life. He watches in a trance at Seongjun's mouth vacuuming in popcorn, the slump of his tired shoulders. He looks at Seungmin with fox eyes opened wide and expecting, tilting the popcorn bowl in his direction. And Seungmin kisses him instead. He kisses Seongjun with all the might of the ocean current, closing his eyes, and he doesn't twitch once. The black depths light up and leave no room for darkness, no fear of that giant monster. 

The worst part about keeping things to yourself for so long, is that it's overwhelming when you were wrong the whole time. Seungmin was sure he read the room and none of his members would truly understand the pain he has to endure. They couldn't imagine what it would be like to be attracted to the same sex. But the truth about the world is that Seungmin was just too scared to ask a majority society of homophobes to understand his struggles. 

The moon illuminates the side of his face, the sweater around him is warm, and Seongjun cupping his face to kiss him back feels like how wildflowers smell. His mouth tastes sweet like cherries, salty like the popcorn he's been eating. Seungmin smiles into the kiss, alight with joy and love and all the things he's never felt or has any explanation for. Seongjun kisses him fervently, wanting to exert the same amount of effort to not disappoint Seungmin's fantasy. Seungmin can feel the energy in his toes, that Seongjun wants to kiss him just as much.

"Minnie," Seongjun breathes out when they pull apart. 

Seungmin's cheeks feel hot, flushed from the intensity of their kiss. A god's kiss, a god's body, envied and desired, by Seungmin alone he is craved. "My butterfly," he kisses the bridge of Seungmin's nose. Kisses rain on the tip of his nose, on both cheeks with faint dotted scars on them, on the middle of his chin. Seongjun pulls him in, hugs him tight. Seungmin clenches his fists when he feels that telltale quiver in his fingertips. 

The world is a mess. Train cars with barely legible font read 'give the fuck up' because the world is painful. It's a wreck, but this makes Seungmin truly happy. Seongjun caressing the slight pudge of his hips, pulling him forward to nestle in his lap, lay his head on those wide shoulders. They breathe the same air for a good few minutes, only embracing each other's company.  
Seungmin wants. He wants to kiss Seongjun for longer, kiss him until the sun rises and the birds chirp. He wants more. 

And so he does. He kisses Seongjun with all the compassion he holds. They kiss as though time itself will freeze and cease their moment. They kiss until they can not breathe. Seungmin could live forever with the idea that Seongjun gave him this opportunity. To kiss him is an eternity for Seungmin, a rest to his creaking bones. He moves his hips involuntarily, too lost in the kiss and searching for more. Seongjun doesn't stop him but holds his hips tighter to guide him. It's better than what Seungmin imagined. 

Seongjun lets their lips disconnect in a leisurely pace. The room spins around Seungmin, colors bursting like water droplets over the ground. Seungmin was weird. He was a stubborn child full of excitement and steadfastness. He was curious and clumsy and ended up getting diagnosed for it, kicking and screaming that he wasn't sick. His mother was worried. Seongjun looks at him with all the love he has, like Seungmin is the most precious gem in the world. huh. 

"Is it going to hurt?" 

Stars dance shadows across Seungmin's skin. He doesn't like being naked. Being naked meant he would have to look at everything that he has, why he couldn't be with Seongjun. Right now, spread out with his hair messed up on the pillow, he feels reborn. His thighs rub together and the space between his legs is no longer vexing. Seongjun's eyes mimic the sky, in the low lighting of the desk lamp, sparkling. 

"It probably will. I've heard it's different for everyone. I'll try not to hurt you, Minnie. I don't know much other than what I've found."

His cheeks burn when he says the last part, a secret Seungmin is sure he already knows the truth behind. They don't talk about their personal lives or what they do with people they meet. He can't imagine Seongjun watching that kind of stuff. Seungmin knows Seongjun had a girlfriend so he can only assume he has some experience. Seungmin has nothing, no kiss, no first time with anyone other than his own hand. He wants to find it in himself to be embarrassed, but Seongjun is taking off his own boxers and the entire thought process whooshes from Seungmin's body.

He's never seen a dick in person, only the ones from videos and pictures and his own. It's surreal that he's seeing one, that it's in his presence to look. Seongjun leans forward to kiss him again. He fits his legs between Seungmin's and the touch of their bodies has him shivering. Seungmin unintentionally moans, his head dropping onto the pillow. It's his to feel. Seongjun does not mock him or laugh. He watches in amazement. 

"You're so beautiful, Minnie. Your legs are so soft," he coasts his hand up Seungmin's thigh. "You're the prettiest," he punctuates with a kiss to Seungmin's collarbone.

Even if sex was meant to hurt the first time, Seungmin would gladly live this moment over and over again. It burns like a fire coral sting, like hot coffee spilling on him. He's damp with tears and quivering and Seongjun is worth all of it. Seongjun caresses his cheek to wipe the tears from his skin, to shush him with a kiss to his swollen lips. Seungmin must look messy and pathetic being worked up from the mere touch of Seongjun against him. 

"Are you okay? Does it hurt too much because I can sto-" 

"Hyung." Seongjun gasps, words stopped in their tracks. "I'm okay. I just want you to move, alright? I'm ready." 

Seongjun nods, looking down where him and Seungmin are connected just to watch as he slowly pulls out. Seungmin sniffles once from the feel of the slide. Seongjun lets his body weight pull him back in and rest his hips again. He lets out a deep, trembling breath. "Minnie," his voice is gravely, "you feel so good." It makes Seungmin want to laugh that he's actually experiencing this. He's under this god, the dreams on the horizon, salt water in his frizzy golden curls. He doesn't feel sick. His eyes still blink too often, something Seongjun never mentions. It's not a problem since Seungmin was the only one making it that. 

Seongjun thrusts, slowly upping his pace but leaving room for Seungmin to object. He doesn't. The tingle in his stomach feels too delightful through the burn of the pain. "My pretty butterfly," Seongjun breathes into his hair. He begins to glide with ease, Seungmin loosening up and relaxing into the pleasure. It's nothing Seungmin has felt before. Nothing like his hand or squeezing his thighs together to try and feel that dream. It feels too real, too undeniably good.

Seungmin chokes for breath. He doesn't hurt anymore, completely overcome with the feeling of Seongjun inside of him. He wants Seongjun to make him cry, to bruise him, to fuck him until he's come as many times as he's able. His brain supplies him with none of the words to voice it. Only muffled whimpers escape his throat, urging Seongjun to go faster. "You sound so nice, Minnie. I love your cute noises," Seongjun says as he raises Seungmin's leg further so he's able to get deeper. 

Seungmin keens, both hands grasping the sheets next to him. He clenches his eyes shut so hard he sees blue specks. Seungmin knows about his anatomy, knows what would feel good and how he would react. That doesn't mean he's ever done it before. He was too scared he'd hurt himself or disappointed that he wouldn't find the right spot. Seongjun has halted his movements, staring at Seungmin with fascination. 

"Found it." Seongjun smiles playfully at him, fox eyes only half-open. Seungmin goes to hit him but Seongjun shuts him up by thrusting once more into the same spot. Seungmin moans, holding tightly onto Seongjun's shoulder. He can't control his sounds, the desperate noises as Seongjun rams into that spot repeatedly. "'M not going too rough am I?" He's so sweet for asking, always taking care of Seungmin. 

"No, ah, it's perfect." Seungmin's head is foggy with ecstasy. "Just want," he flexes his fingers on Seongjun's shoulders, not finding the words right now. 

Seongjun holds Seungmin's chin with two fingers so his head is steady. "Want what? You can tell me, butterfly." That nickname is Seungmin's weak point, the name kept secret by Seongjun in the privacy of their personal conversations. It makes Seungmin shake to his toes. "Want you to hold me down a bit," Seungmin's cheeks color rose apple and his voice tunes lower. Seongjun reads him like a roadsign, taking the right directions with his hand pressing into Seungmin's hip.

The pressure, the humidity, the rhythmic thump of Seongjun's hips against Seungmin. He scrunches his nose, mouth open around a silent wail. Seongjun firms the press of his hand and moves his other to Seungmin's soft throat. It isn't enough to constrict, just enough to let Seungmin know it's there. It's an anchor to Seungmin's hold on reality. Seongjun is here, kissing the cherry of his cheeks. He's fucking Seungmin, finally, after the months of picturing it. 

"I'm gonna fuck you until you're dizzy. I'll come on your tummy, or your ass, or wherever you want it. I'll make you come just from me inside you."

The ocean waves will drown him in salty refrain. Sand under his nails and between his toes. The euphoria in his body. Seongjun has never spoken to him this way before. "Please," it's all he can say. A mantra of pleading quietly from his mouth. Seongjun makes good on his promise of immobilizing Seungmin's brain function. He's fuzzing like static on a television. Seongjun speeds up, close to his release. He moves the hand from Seungmin's hip to his hair. They're chest to chest with Seongjun breathing into Seungmin's ear. His hand presses harder, barely, his other pulling lightly on the strands of Seungmin's hair. 

"Gonna come for me, butterfly?" Seongjun groans. 

Seungmin whines, nodding furiously. His stomach flips. His hips swivel downwards a few times against Seongjun's thrusts, and he comes. It's the best he's ever felt, better than finishing with a fist over his pink sleep shorts. Seongjun fucks him a minute longer. Until Seungmin sobs with the oversensitivity. He pulls out gently as to not hurt Seungmin too harshly. "Where?" Seongjun asks with genuine curiosity and concern. 

Seungmin opens his mouth, tongue falling out on his chin. The image of Seongjun over him, cock in hand and slapping onto Seungmin's tongue. He jerks it quickly. He's grunting and making these sexy noises Seungmin has only heard in his fantasies. They sound better, even. Seongjun slides down the passage of Seungmin's mouth just a tiny bit. Seungmin takes his chances, slithering his tongue around the wet head and closing his lips. Seongjun growls, coming inside the cavern of Seungmin's mouth. 

It isn't revolting, not the best, but Seungmin would do it again because it's Seongjun. Stars litter the entire expanse of the sky outside their window. Seongjun wets a washcloth in their sink and cleans up Seungmin's body. "Are you okay?" Seungmin can't answer, can't process his calves cramping and his lower stomach still sloshing about. He smiles instead. It's a small gesture that Seongjun understands. 

"I love you, Minnie." Seongjun covers them up in bed. "Get some sleep." 

"I love you, too," is the only thing Seungmin says before he falls asleep. 

The beach is calm. Seungmin dips his feet into the clear blue vastness. There's another set of feet next to his own. Finally.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you all liked this. Also, did you find the pun? hehe


End file.
